Walter |  All Over the Map  | JEFF DUNHAM
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Walter | All Over the Map | JEFF DUNHAM


(upbeat guitar) – Isn’t England where
Mary Poppins is from? – Oh, it took place in London. – Oh yeah, okay, yeah. You know I dated her for a while (audience laughing) – You dated Mary Poppins? – Yes, I did. – No.
– Yeah, I did. We were very young. – Oh really? – Yeah, okay, yeah. I was the first guy to get into her chim chim cher-ee. (audience laughing) Kinda ruined things going
into the moment of passion she started screaming some weird word. It was like, super California refrigerator ex the delicious
lotion, something like that. Pretty kinky chick,
I’ll tell you that much. – [Walter] Talkin’ to this guy
in the front row, very calm (mumbles) Not you! (audience laughing) Okay, what is your first name again? – What? Nabīl? – Is that a first name or something you take medicine to get rid of? Is that a family name, they
just- parents drunk and they (mumbles) (drunk mumbling) (burps) (audience laughing) Is that a common English name? No? What, a what? Oh, you’re from Iraq? What the (beep)! (audience applause) What are the odds? Birmingham, England, get the asshole from Iraq in the front row. Okay, now I forgot your name, is it Abdul? (mumbles) Nabul. Nabīl. Holy crap. Can I call you Bob? (audience laughing) (upbeat bass) – [Jeff] Walter, I’m just impressed that all these folks came
out for our show tonight. – Well don’t be. – Why? – Well, it’s Iceland, its not you or us there’s nothing else to do here. – I know you read up on Iceland a little bit before we came back. – Oh yeah, yeah. – What’d you read about? – Well uh, the volcanoes. – You read about that? – Oh yeah, it’s great. Imagine something that can erupt at any second and destroy
everything in it’s path. – Yup. – I’ll be darned. – What?
– I married a volcano. (audience laughing) – You know that Iceland
has one of the highest life expectancies in the entire world? – I did not know that. – Especially women. – Huh? – Yeah, here a woman’s average
lifespan is 90 to 100 years. – Send my wife home immediately! What is this, hell on earth? – All right, how do
you like the food here? – Oh, very funny. – What? – I tried some of that,
what do you call that? Gahackhackharl? (clearing throat) You cannot speak Icelandic without moving your lips, I’m tellin ya. Think about it. There’s no Icelandic ventriloquists ever! I will say though I think the
folks of Iceland are geniuses. – How’s that? – They know how to keep from getting overcrowded with foreigners. – How’s that? – Simply by naming the place “Iceland.” It sounds like you’ll freeze your ass off! Plus its easier to say than, uh Dark Long Winter Land Where
The Weather Is (beep). (audience laughing) We’re morons for naming our
country The United States. Sounds way too welcoming. We should have called our country “Crazy Assholes With Guns.” (audience applause) – Did you get a chance to go to a volcano? – Oh, yes I did. – Did you take your wife? – Yes, I did. – What’d she think? – She kept saying the
same thing over and over. “Stop trying to push me in!” – On another subject, did you know that strip clubs are also illegal here. – Really? – Right. – So if I want to see a naked woman I have to take a six
hour flight to Scotland? – Or there’s your wife. – Oh, that’s true, in Iceland
it’s legal to whale hunt. (audience laughing) – That’s not nice. (hard guitar riff) – Have you seen the size of
the bugs in this country? – Yeah, there’s some big ones. – There was a beetle in our hotel room and my wife wanted me to step on it. – What’d you do? – Nothing, The damn
thing grabbed my wife’s poodle and flew out the window! I love this country! (squawks) Bye, hahaha! I thought the Irish could throw back a few but you guys are the drinkin’
champions of the world! (audience applause) I’m surprised you don’t have dead sharks with alcohol poisoning. After eating your surfers! – [Jeff] Did you know that even though Australia had a big influx of criminals they now have, you know, only I don’t know, one fifth as many murderers as we do in the US. – Eh? Does that surprise you? – It doesn’t, you? – No, you know how much practice it takes to kill someone with a fricken’ boomerang? It’s like 1000 to one. I know, my wife tried! That poodle flew out the
window and it was like “You son of a bitch!” (mimics a boomerang) By the way, are we
getting paid for this gig? There’s none of that
Aboriginy barter crap, is it? What, we’re not gonna
get, like, a bag full of koala poop or something
like that, are we? Some feathers and a long ass
horn that plays one note. Thank you for coming, waaaaaaaaaa! Waaaaaaaaaaaa! Shut the (beep) up! (audience applause)

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