-Let’s get to some news here,
guys. Today a federal judge ordered
President Trump to turn over eight years
of his tax returns. I’m not saying it’s bad, but
right now Trump’s accountant is climbing over his border wall
into Mexico. -Really?
[ Laughter ] -Well, people are still talking
about the impeachment. I saw that Trump said it’s a bad
thing to have on his résumé. [ Laughter ] The only thing worse than having
impeachment on your résumé is having Rudy Giuliani
as your only reference. [ Laughter ] I kind of like the idea of
Trump even having a résumé. Though I’m pretty sure under
skills, all it would say is, “can type over 50 tweets
per minute.” [ Laughter ] Trump’s never even really
needed a résumé. The only one he’s ever made is
a note to his dad which said, “I your son, me want job.” [ Laughter ] It’s almost too real.
It’s almost too real. Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi spoke
in South Carolina this weekend and had a message for Trump
regarding impeachment. She was pretty proud.
Take a look at this. -Donald, you used to
own a casino. You know the house always wins. [ Cheers and applause ] -Trump was like, “Not true, my
casinos were a massive failure.” [ Laughter ] But Trump caused more — Trump caused more controversy
today when he announced a new Middle East policy and sent some pretty crazy
tweets about it, too. In one he said, “If Turkey does
anything that I, in my great and unmatched wisdom
consider to be off-limits, I will totally destroy
and obliterate the economy of Turkey. I’ve done before.” [ Laughter ] And Trump said,
“And if Turkey really acts up, I won’t pardon them
on Thanksgiving.” [ Laughter ] I saw that Vladimir Putin
spent his birthday weekend hiking with a friend
in the Siberian mountains. Putin said it was relaxing, while his friend called it the
scariest 48 hours of his life. [ Laughter ] “Go on, drink from canteen.
Good for you.” “I’m good, man.” [ Laughter ] Going on a hike with Putin is
basically the start of every episode of
Russian Dateline. [ Laughter ] Well, I have some good news. Starting today, the McRib is
back at McDonald’s. That’s right.
[ Cheers and applause ] Apparently customers were asking
for an alternative meat option, and McDonald’s was like,
“Done, here you go. [ Laughter ] Not quite sure what this is. This is very nice. Mattel just released
a new Judge Barbie. Check it out. Yeah. It’s fun, but also a little
weird when you walk in on your daughter being like, “I sentence you to life
without parole. Get in the hole, scumbag.” [ Laughter ] Hey, get this.
over the weekend a woman managed to board a Delta flight without
a boarding pass or I.D. It wasn’t that hard, actually. Another passenger
just had to say, “This is my emotional support
woman.” [ Laughter ] Oh, this made me laugh. A couple is going viral for
having a number of things go wrong while trying to reveal
the gender of their baby. Take a look at this. -Yeah, hit it. Oh, hit it hard! Oh! Not her — Oh, no! [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God. What? -Great. Now they’ll never know. [ Laughter ] The kid’s not even born and the parents are
already embarrassing it. [ Laughter ] And finally,
this is going viral. A squirrel ended up
in a woman’s house, so she used a broom to try
to push it out the window. Unfortunately, things did not go
the way she planned. -Go, squirrel! [ Screaming ] [ Laughter ] -The squirrel
didn’t leave the house but it did lose its hearing. [ Laughter ] I’m being told that until
that squirrel is caught, the McRib
is no longer available. Guys, we have a great show.