• Dracula’s First Flight
    Articles,  Blog

    Dracula’s First Flight

    ♪♪ Excuse me, sir? There’s a first class passenger experiencing some discomfort in his current seat, would it be alright if he sat here? He’s not going to throw up on me, is he? Oh, no, he’s harmless. Okay, well then, sure. Sir, you can have a seat here.[horror music]You’re going to sit? You must invite me to sit. It’s okay. I invite you to sit.Can I get you any snacks, or anything to drink?Can I get avirgin bloody mary please? I like the sound of that. I’ll have one as well! [sniffs] [gags]Yeesh.This blood is terrible. It’s actually just tomato juice. Oh, well then it’s pretty good for tomato…

  • How to Get Out of a Police Ticket!
    Articles,  Blog

    How to Get Out of a Police Ticket!

    ♪♪ Stacey: Guys, I told you it was illegal to have three people on a moped! Well maybe we wouldn’t be in this situation if Karen’s car hadn’t run out of gas. Well, maybe I would have filled up if there were a way to tell you were out of gas! There is, Karen. It’s called a fuel gauge. How have you not known about that after you’ve been driving this long? I don’t know. I just guess when to get gas. What do you do on road trips? It’s absolutely terrifying. Police officer: All right, do you guys know why I pulled you over today? I’ll handle this, boys.…

  • Free Parking Ticket – How to Be Broke
    Articles,  Blog

    Free Parking Ticket – How to Be Broke

    – Ahhh, what the fuck, Bam. I told you not to park here, this my mama car. – Hey don’t worry about it man, I’ma show you how to get a parking ticket paid for free. – You gon’ fix this. It’s on you. You gon’ fix this. – First, find a car that looks exactly like yours. Luckily for me, I’ve got a street team to scout for me. You, Echo Park. Santa Monica. Burbank. Koreatown. Break. – [Man In Camouflage Jacket] Bro, you know it’s one right there, right? How you gon’ get a street team and not even look behind you? – Shit. – [Man In Camouflage…

  • Key & Peele – Mr. Nostrand’s Big Mistake
    Articles,  Blog

    Key & Peele – Mr. Nostrand’s Big Mistake

    [bell rings] [students chattering] [chatter fades] – I… AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE… MR. NOSTRAND. BUT THAT MIGHT AS WELL SAY, “NO NONSENSE,” BECAUSE I DO NOT PLAY. NOW, TODAY WILL NOT BE A DAY OFF. IN FACT, TODAY, YOU WILL WORK HARDER THAN– [farts] [farts quietly] all: [laughing] – SEE YOU LATER, MR. POOTSTRAND! DID THAT DUDE REALLY JUST FART? – SOMEBODY CALL A CODE BROWN UP IN HERE.

  • Articles

    Booking With A Budget Airline

    phone rings Aoife! Aoife! The phone’s ringing again. Aoife! The phone’s ringing again. Hello Colinair. How may I help you today? Ah, hello, yes I’d like to book a couple of flights please. Let me put you on hold. Hello Colinair booking – how may I help you today? I’ve been on hold for nearly an hour. Are you the same person who answered before? No, sir. How may I help? Right, um, can I book a couple of flights from London Gatwick to Amsterdam please? Colinair operates an online booking system only, sir. Well then why have you got a phone number? I’m not sure. Would you like to…

  • Key & Peele – Andre and Meegan’s First Date  – Uncensored
    Articles,  Blog

    Key & Peele – Andre and Meegan’s First Date – Uncensored

    [laughter] God, the moment I saw you last night in the club, totally had to ask you out. Are you kidding me? Like, the moment? – Oh, yeah. – That’s so sweet. And I was actually afraid that you were going to be, like, one of those high-maintenance chicks, you know? – What? – Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. Control freak or– I don’t even know. Oh, my God. That’s so funny. Isn’t it? Is it? Is it funny? Is it funny? No. I’m, like, I totally just like to be just easygoing. – Yeah, yeah. – Hi, I’m Wayne. – I’ll be your waiter. – It’s been…

  • No-Shave November, Reno Style – RENO 911!
    Articles,  Blog

    No-Shave November, Reno Style – RENO 911!

    Uh, I got this in last night. The State of Nevada is trying to, uh, pass a referendum where, uh, state, and, uh, local government employees cannot have moustaches. ‘Has anyone seen this? Prop 5-5-1?’ – ‘They’re uh…’ – That is [bleep] I find that [bleep]. – ‘Take away our moustaches.’ – That ain’t fair. They will take my moustache from my cold, dead upper lip, my friend. I ain’t coming into work without a ‘stache. Junior, you was born with that moustache, wasn’t you? Hell, yeah. It’s my daddy’s moustache. Or he had a similar one. ‘I don’t want to work here without a moustache.’ ‘I really don’t.’ I…

  • Black People Telepathy – Key & Peele
    Articles,  Blog

    Black People Telepathy – Key & Peele

    ALL THE WAY DOWN AT THE END. – MM-HMM. – YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ATTACHED BATHROOM, BY THE WAY. OH, UM, HERE’S ONE OF OUR BEST RESEARCHERS. DICK? – HEY. – AH, HELLO THERE. [dramatic music] WHAT’S UP, DUDE? GLAD TO SEE THERE’S ANOTHER BROTHER IN THIS STUFFY PLACE. – SO, UH, THIS IS GONNA BE YOUR ASSISTANT, GENEVIEVE. [dramatic music] – WHAT IS THIS? – IT’S THE SHINING, MAN. ALL BLACK PEOPLE HAVE THE SHINING. YOU NEVER SHINED WITH ANOTHER BLACK PERSON BEFORE? – NO, I GREW UP IN A WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD AND THEN WENT TO DARTMOUTH. I’VE MET OTHER BLACK PEOPLE BEFORE, BUT NOT LIKE THIS. – YOU…

  • Would You Kill Baby Hitler? – Agree to Disagree
    Articles,  Blog

    Would You Kill Baby Hitler? – Agree to Disagree

    – I’m not gonna take a baby’s head and squeeze it between my butt cheeks to kill it. Just to clarify on camera, I don’t want to ever do that. – Oh yeah, because the butt cheeks is the most disgusting part about killing a baby. – [Interviewer] If you went back in time, would you kill baby Hitler? – No. – Yes. – No. – Definitely. – First of all, I want to start by saying that I hate Nazis. I hate them. I think they’re terrible and I wish they were never born. But, I could not kill baby Hitler because first of all, why baby Hitler? Why…

  • Is Wiegel Dating a Serial Killer? – RENO 911!
    Articles,  Blog

    Is Wiegel Dating a Serial Killer? – RENO 911!

    (Dangle) ‘Good morning, people.’ Well, apparently, the Hells Angels who own that brothel out there, out on 80… They’re doing a program, uh, hand in your gun for a, uh… [clicks tongue] Uh, ***. – ‘Hand job?’ – Yeah. “Hand guns for hand job ***.” That’s what the poster said. Yeah, they wanted us to sponsor that, you know but, uh, up there said, “Unh-unh.” [knock on door] – Hey, guys. – Can I help you, sir? Uh, just the lady out, out front said that maybe I could talk to Trudy for a second. The lady out front was wrong, sir. We are in a meeting. She is working…