• The Daily Show – The Curious Case of Flight 370
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    The Daily Show – The Curious Case of Flight 370

    [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >>Jon: WELCOME TO “THE DAILY SHOW”. MY NAME IS JON STEWART. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE’RE BACK. THANK YOU FOR JOINING US. OUR GUEST TONIGHT OH, SHE PUTS THE HUFF IN HUFFPO. ARIANNA HUFFINGTON WILL BE OUR GUEST TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, FOR WEEKS THE BIG STORY HAS BEEN THE MISSING MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT. TODAY SATELLITE DATA SEEMS TO HAVE CONFIRMED THE WORST. I THINK WE ALL FEARED THIS STORY WOULD END IN TRAGEDY, AND SO EARLY ON WE TURNED TO THE NEWS MEDIA FOR A SENSE OF SOBER CLARITY.>>AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS IN SOUTHEAST ASIA HAVE LOST CONTACT WITH A JUMBO JET CARRYING 239 PEOPLE. WE’RE OF COURSE DOING…

  • Key & Peele – Mr. Nostrand’s Big Mistake
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    Key & Peele – Mr. Nostrand’s Big Mistake

    [bell rings] [students chattering] [chatter fades] – I… AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE… MR. NOSTRAND. BUT THAT MIGHT AS WELL SAY, “NO NONSENSE,” BECAUSE I DO NOT PLAY. NOW, TODAY WILL NOT BE A DAY OFF. IN FACT, TODAY, YOU WILL WORK HARDER THAN– [farts] [farts quietly] all: [laughing] – SEE YOU LATER, MR. POOTSTRAND! DID THAT DUDE REALLY JUST FART? – SOMEBODY CALL A CODE BROWN UP IN HERE.

  • Key & Peele – Al Qaeda Meeting
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    Key & Peele – Al Qaeda Meeting

    – BROTHERS. BROTHERS, LET US BEGIN. I HAVE CONVENED THIS MEETING TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING. WHY HAVE WE NOT TAKEN A PLANE IN 13 YEARS? – KHALIV. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. IT IS ALL BECAUSE THE CUNNING AND MIGHTY TSA IS ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD OF US. – I DO NOT BELIEVE IT! – IT’S TRUE. LAST MONTH, I ATTEMPTED TO TAKE DOWN A PLANE WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS FIVE INCHES LONG. – THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PERFECT PLAN. WHY DID IT NOT WORK? – BECAUSE THE SHREWD TSA, THEY MADE RESTRICTIONS SO YOU CAN ONLY TAKE A FOUR-INCH SCISSORS. FOUR INCHES. – WHAT? – YEAH.…

  • Key & Peele – Andre and Meegan’s First Date  – Uncensored
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    Key & Peele – Andre and Meegan’s First Date – Uncensored

    [laughter] God, the moment I saw you last night in the club, totally had to ask you out. Are you kidding me? Like, the moment? – Oh, yeah. – That’s so sweet. And I was actually afraid that you were going to be, like, one of those high-maintenance chicks, you know? – What? – Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. Control freak or– I don’t even know. Oh, my God. That’s so funny. Isn’t it? Is it? Is it funny? Is it funny? No. I’m, like, I totally just like to be just easygoing. – Yeah, yeah. – Hi, I’m Wayne. – I’ll be your waiter. – It’s been…

  • Inside Amy Schumer – Time Travel
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    Inside Amy Schumer – Time Travel

    So then Jeff was like, “What’s your excuse for being late today?” And I was like, “I don’t have an excuse, I have a reason.” Good for you. If your body oversleeps, it’s because it needs it. Shh. Will you stop it? That’s what got us kicked out of Guy Fieri’s restaurant. Don’t say I never offered. (giggling) Let’s move in together. It’s only been two weeks. When you know, you know. Yeah. You’re low-maintenance and it just feels okay. It feels right to me, too. Plus, my roommate’s all over me about rent. She’s your stepmom. Why is she even charging you? I don’t know. Mmm. I’m gonna hit…

  • Key & Peele – White-Sounding Black Guys
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    Key & Peele – White-Sounding Black Guys

    WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY. I AM KEEGAN. – I AM JORDAN. – AND THIS IS KEY & PEELE. THANK YOU, YES. THANK YOU. [cheers and applause] JORDAN AND I ARE– WE’RE BIRACIAL. – YES, HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE. – AND BECAUSE OF THAT, WE FIND OURSELVES PARTICULARLY ADEPT AT LYING. BECAUSE ON A DAILY BASIS WE HAVE TO ADJUST OUR BLACKNESS. – YES. – YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? – OH, NO, THERE’S MANY REASONS WE DO THAT. – YEAH. – I MEAN, TO TERRIFY WHITE PEOPLE. – YES, THAT’S ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS. ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS, YEAH. – BECAUSE, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WITH THE…

  • Would You Kill Baby Hitler? – Agree to Disagree
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    Would You Kill Baby Hitler? – Agree to Disagree

    – I’m not gonna take a baby’s head and squeeze it between my butt cheeks to kill it. Just to clarify on camera, I don’t want to ever do that. – Oh yeah, because the butt cheeks is the most disgusting part about killing a baby. – [Interviewer] If you went back in time, would you kill baby Hitler? – No. – Yes. – No. – Definitely. – First of all, I want to start by saying that I hate Nazis. I hate them. I think they’re terrible and I wish they were never born. But, I could not kill baby Hitler because first of all, why baby Hitler? Why…

  • East/West Bowl Rap Showdown – Key & Peele
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    East/West Bowl Rap Showdown – Key & Peele

    – HEY, JADINKALAGE? – YEAH, L’CARPETRON? – CHECK OUT LEOZ. I WONDER WHAT HE’S DREAMING ABOUT? – HE IS PROBABLY DREAMING ABOUT WHAT WE IS GONNA DO TO THE TEAM FROM THE WEST. – I WONDER. – ♪ T’VARIUSNESS ♪ ♪ T-KING FOR SHORT ♪ ♪ I’M A BAD MAMMA-JAMMA ♪ ♪ AND AN AWFUL SPORT ♪ – ♪ SMOOCHIE-WALLACE ♪ ♪ YOU CAN CALL ME TYROIL ♪ ♪ RAPPIN’ UP RUSHES LIKE ALUMINUM FOIL ♪ – ♪ MCCRINGLEBERRY ♪ ♪ I’M VERY SCARY ♪ ♪ IF I GOT THE BALL YOU BEST BE WARY ♪ – ♪ L’CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT ♪ ♪ I LOVE THE BALL SO MUCH I WANNA…

  • Key & Peele – Country Music
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    Key & Peele – Country Music

    HEY, ALL I KNOW IS ITS GOOD HAVING ANOTHER BROTHER MOVE INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. – HEY, MAN, IT’S GOOD TO HAVE YOU OVER. AND I THINK THAT YOU WILL DIG THIS. – ALL RIGHT. HEY! – HUH? – NICE GUITAR COLLECTION. – OH, THANKS, MAN. HEY, YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING? – YEAH, SURE. – ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, LET’S GET THIS STARTED. LET’S GET THIS STARTED. [playing guitar] ♪ WELL, I’M JUST A GOOD OLD AMERICAN BOY ♪ ♪ WITH A HEART THAT’S RED, WHITE, AND TRUE ♪ ♪ I’M DREAMIN’ OF THE GIRL WITH THE RED HAIR AND FRECKLES ♪ ♪ AND HER EYES LIKE THE SKIES…