• International Travel
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    International Travel

    – I travel a lot. I’m constantly going through security, always behind that person that’s never left their house before. (audience laughs) They always want to ask me questions like, “Can I bring soup on the plane? (audience laughs) “It’s homemade soup.” I’m like, “Uh, you should ask them.” “For an ID, can I use a fishing license?” (audience laughs) “Uh, you should–” “Should I take off my shoes and my pants?” (audience laughs) “Yes, you should.” (audience laughs and claps) Airport security’s annoying. It’s nothing compared to international travel, like going through customs and immigration. That’s so intense. They’re dressed like SWAT team members. (audience laughs) I always get…

  • Key & Peele – Andre and Meegan’s First Date  – Uncensored
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    Key & Peele – Andre and Meegan’s First Date – Uncensored

    [laughter] God, the moment I saw you last night in the club, totally had to ask you out. Are you kidding me? Like, the moment? – Oh, yeah. – That’s so sweet. And I was actually afraid that you were going to be, like, one of those high-maintenance chicks, you know? – What? – Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. Control freak or– I don’t even know. Oh, my God. That’s so funny. Isn’t it? Is it? Is it funny? Is it funny? No. I’m, like, I totally just like to be just easygoing. – Yeah, yeah. – Hi, I’m Wayne. – I’ll be your waiter. – It’s been…

  • Inside Amy Schumer – Time Travel
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    Inside Amy Schumer – Time Travel

    So then Jeff was like, “What’s your excuse for being late today?” And I was like, “I don’t have an excuse, I have a reason.” Good for you. If your body oversleeps, it’s because it needs it. Shh. Will you stop it? That’s what got us kicked out of Guy Fieri’s restaurant. Don’t say I never offered. (giggling) Let’s move in together. It’s only been two weeks. When you know, you know. Yeah. You’re low-maintenance and it just feels okay. It feels right to me, too. Plus, my roommate’s all over me about rent. She’s your stepmom. Why is she even charging you? I don’t know. Mmm. I’m gonna hit…

  • No-Shave November, Reno Style – RENO 911!
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    No-Shave November, Reno Style – RENO 911!

    Uh, I got this in last night. The State of Nevada is trying to, uh, pass a referendum where, uh, state, and, uh, local government employees cannot have moustaches. ‘Has anyone seen this? Prop 5-5-1?’ – ‘They’re uh…’ – That is [bleep] I find that [bleep]. – ‘Take away our moustaches.’ – That ain’t fair. They will take my moustache from my cold, dead upper lip, my friend. I ain’t coming into work without a ‘stache. Junior, you was born with that moustache, wasn’t you? Hell, yeah. It’s my daddy’s moustache. Or he had a similar one. ‘I don’t want to work here without a moustache.’ ‘I really don’t.’ I…

  • Key & Peele – White-Sounding Black Guys
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    Key & Peele – White-Sounding Black Guys

    WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY. I AM KEEGAN. – I AM JORDAN. – AND THIS IS KEY & PEELE. THANK YOU, YES. THANK YOU. [cheers and applause] JORDAN AND I ARE– WE’RE BIRACIAL. – YES, HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE. – AND BECAUSE OF THAT, WE FIND OURSELVES PARTICULARLY ADEPT AT LYING. BECAUSE ON A DAILY BASIS WE HAVE TO ADJUST OUR BLACKNESS. – YES. – YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? – OH, NO, THERE’S MANY REASONS WE DO THAT. – YEAH. – I MEAN, TO TERRIFY WHITE PEOPLE. – YES, THAT’S ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS. ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS, YEAH. – BECAUSE, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WITH THE…

  • Black People Telepathy – Key & Peele
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    Black People Telepathy – Key & Peele

    ALL THE WAY DOWN AT THE END. – MM-HMM. – YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ATTACHED BATHROOM, BY THE WAY. OH, UM, HERE’S ONE OF OUR BEST RESEARCHERS. DICK? – HEY. – AH, HELLO THERE. [dramatic music] WHAT’S UP, DUDE? GLAD TO SEE THERE’S ANOTHER BROTHER IN THIS STUFFY PLACE. – SO, UH, THIS IS GONNA BE YOUR ASSISTANT, GENEVIEVE. [dramatic music] – WHAT IS THIS? – IT’S THE SHINING, MAN. ALL BLACK PEOPLE HAVE THE SHINING. YOU NEVER SHINED WITH ANOTHER BLACK PERSON BEFORE? – NO, I GREW UP IN A WHITE NEIGHBORHOOD AND THEN WENT TO DARTMOUTH. I’VE MET OTHER BLACK PEOPLE BEFORE, BUT NOT LIKE THIS. – YOU…

  • Is Wiegel Dating a Serial Killer? – RENO 911!
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    Is Wiegel Dating a Serial Killer? – RENO 911!

    (Dangle) ‘Good morning, people.’ Well, apparently, the Hells Angels who own that brothel out there, out on 80… They’re doing a program, uh, hand in your gun for a, uh… [clicks tongue] Uh, ***. – ‘Hand job?’ – Yeah. “Hand guns for hand job ***.” That’s what the poster said. Yeah, they wanted us to sponsor that, you know but, uh, up there said, “Unh-unh.” [knock on door] – Hey, guys. – Can I help you, sir? Uh, just the lady out, out front said that maybe I could talk to Trudy for a second. The lady out front was wrong, sir. We are in a meeting. She is working…

  • East/West Bowl Rap Showdown – Key & Peele
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    East/West Bowl Rap Showdown – Key & Peele

    – HEY, JADINKALAGE? – YEAH, L’CARPETRON? – CHECK OUT LEOZ. I WONDER WHAT HE’S DREAMING ABOUT? – HE IS PROBABLY DREAMING ABOUT WHAT WE IS GONNA DO TO THE TEAM FROM THE WEST. – I WONDER. – ♪ T’VARIUSNESS ♪ ♪ T-KING FOR SHORT ♪ ♪ I’M A BAD MAMMA-JAMMA ♪ ♪ AND AN AWFUL SPORT ♪ – ♪ SMOOCHIE-WALLACE ♪ ♪ YOU CAN CALL ME TYROIL ♪ ♪ RAPPIN’ UP RUSHES LIKE ALUMINUM FOIL ♪ – ♪ MCCRINGLEBERRY ♪ ♪ I’M VERY SCARY ♪ ♪ IF I GOT THE BALL YOU BEST BE WARY ♪ – ♪ L’CARPETRON DOOKMARRIOT ♪ ♪ I LOVE THE BALL SO MUCH I WANNA…

  • Key & Peele – Country Music
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    Key & Peele – Country Music

    HEY, ALL I KNOW IS ITS GOOD HAVING ANOTHER BROTHER MOVE INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. – HEY, MAN, IT’S GOOD TO HAVE YOU OVER. AND I THINK THAT YOU WILL DIG THIS. – ALL RIGHT. HEY! – HUH? – NICE GUITAR COLLECTION. – OH, THANKS, MAN. HEY, YOU WANNA HEAR SOMETHING? – YEAH, SURE. – ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, LET’S GET THIS STARTED. LET’S GET THIS STARTED. [playing guitar] ♪ WELL, I’M JUST A GOOD OLD AMERICAN BOY ♪ ♪ WITH A HEART THAT’S RED, WHITE, AND TRUE ♪ ♪ I’M DREAMIN’ OF THE GIRL WITH THE RED HAIR AND FRECKLES ♪ ♪ AND HER EYES LIKE THE SKIES…

  • Town Hall Audience Member – Key & Peele
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    Town Hall Audience Member – Key & Peele

    Folks, I have a simple philosophy. The government should work for everyone, not just the elite. And that’s why I helped pass the farm bill, because I care about farmers. But I won’t stop there. I will work for everyone, whether you are young, whether you are old, whether you are Asian or Hispanic, whether you are straight or whether you are gay. I will work for all of you. And that’s why I also support marriage equality. Folks don’t choose to be gay, anymore than I choose to be straight. Could you imagine if someone told you that you couldn’t marry the person that you loved? I’m sorry, I…