• The Daily Show – The Curious Case of Flight 370
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    The Daily Show – The Curious Case of Flight 370

    [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >>Jon: WELCOME TO “THE DAILY SHOW”. MY NAME IS JON STEWART. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE’RE BACK. THANK YOU FOR JOINING US. OUR GUEST TONIGHT OH, SHE PUTS THE HUFF IN HUFFPO. ARIANNA HUFFINGTON WILL BE OUR GUEST TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, FOR WEEKS THE BIG STORY HAS BEEN THE MISSING MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT. TODAY SATELLITE DATA SEEMS TO HAVE CONFIRMED THE WORST. I THINK WE ALL FEARED THIS STORY WOULD END IN TRAGEDY, AND SO EARLY ON WE TURNED TO THE NEWS MEDIA FOR A SENSE OF SOBER CLARITY.>>AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS IN SOUTHEAST ASIA HAVE LOST CONTACT WITH A JUMBO JET CARRYING 239 PEOPLE. WE’RE OF COURSE DOING…

  • Hannibal Buress – Jaywalking Is a Fantasy Crime
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    Hannibal Buress – Jaywalking Is a Fantasy Crime

    – I GOT A JAYWALKING TICKET IN MONTREAL. I COULDN’T BELIEVE IT. I’VE JAYWALKED SO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE. IT’S SUCH AN EASY THING TO TIME OUT. IS THERE A CAR COMING? NO? LET ME GET ACROSS THEN. I’VE DONE IT THOUSANDS OF TIMES. BUT THIS TIME IT WAS ME AND THIS OLD LADY. WE WERE JAYWALKING TOGETHER. WE WEREN’T TOGETHER LIKE THAT, BUT IF WE WERE, SO WHAT? MIND YOUR BUSINESS. I JUST MET Y’ALL. SO ME AND THIS OLD LADY, WE GET ACROSS THE STREET, THEN A MONTREAL COP APPROACHES US, SPEAKING IN FRENCH. [imitating French] FRENCH. [laughter] I SAID, “HEY, MAN, I DON’T TALK LIKE THAT.…

  • Key & Peele – Magician Cop
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    Key & Peele – Magician Cop

    [indistinct radio chatter] [tapping on glass] – WAS I SPEEDING, OFFICER? – YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU’RE FROM AROUND HERE. – NO, SIR. – YOU BEEN DOING ANY DRUGS TONIGHT? – NO, SIR. – NOPE? – NO. – WHY DON’T YOU POP THAT TRUNK, STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE FOR ME, PLEASE. – REALLY? – YEAH. [trunk pops] – [sighs] [seatbelt clicks] – NO DRUGS, HUH? – NOPE. [indistinct radio chatter] – WELL, WELL, WELL. [trunk closes] WHAT HAVE WE HERE? – NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU PLANTED THAT IN MY CAR. – OH, DID I? OR…DID I PLANT THIS? – UH–I REAL–I GUESS– – UP AGAINST…

  • Free Parking Ticket – How to Be Broke
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    Free Parking Ticket – How to Be Broke

    – Ahhh, what the fuck, Bam. I told you not to park here, this my mama car. – Hey don’t worry about it man, I’ma show you how to get a parking ticket paid for free. – You gon’ fix this. It’s on you. You gon’ fix this. – First, find a car that looks exactly like yours. Luckily for me, I’ve got a street team to scout for me. You, Echo Park. Santa Monica. Burbank. Koreatown. Break. – [Man In Camouflage Jacket] Bro, you know it’s one right there, right? How you gon’ get a street team and not even look behind you? – Shit. – [Man In Camouflage…

  • International Travel
    Articles,  Blog

    International Travel

    – I travel a lot. I’m constantly going through security, always behind that person that’s never left their house before. (audience laughs) They always want to ask me questions like, “Can I bring soup on the plane? (audience laughs) “It’s homemade soup.” I’m like, “Uh, you should ask them.” “For an ID, can I use a fishing license?” (audience laughs) “Uh, you should–” “Should I take off my shoes and my pants?” (audience laughs) “Yes, you should.” (audience laughs and claps) Airport security’s annoying. It’s nothing compared to international travel, like going through customs and immigration. That’s so intense. They’re dressed like SWAT team members. (audience laughs) I always get…

  • Key & Peele – Andre and Meegan’s First Date  – Uncensored
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    Key & Peele – Andre and Meegan’s First Date – Uncensored

    [laughter] God, the moment I saw you last night in the club, totally had to ask you out. Are you kidding me? Like, the moment? – Oh, yeah. – That’s so sweet. And I was actually afraid that you were going to be, like, one of those high-maintenance chicks, you know? – What? – Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. Control freak or– I don’t even know. Oh, my God. That’s so funny. Isn’t it? Is it? Is it funny? Is it funny? No. I’m, like, I totally just like to be just easygoing. – Yeah, yeah. – Hi, I’m Wayne. – I’ll be your waiter. – It’s been…

  • Inside Amy Schumer – Time Travel
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    Inside Amy Schumer – Time Travel

    So then Jeff was like, “What’s your excuse for being late today?” And I was like, “I don’t have an excuse, I have a reason.” Good for you. If your body oversleeps, it’s because it needs it. Shh. Will you stop it? That’s what got us kicked out of Guy Fieri’s restaurant. Don’t say I never offered. (giggling) Let’s move in together. It’s only been two weeks. When you know, you know. Yeah. You’re low-maintenance and it just feels okay. It feels right to me, too. Plus, my roommate’s all over me about rent. She’s your stepmom. Why is she even charging you? I don’t know. Mmm. I’m gonna hit…

  • No-Shave November, Reno Style – RENO 911!
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    No-Shave November, Reno Style – RENO 911!

    Uh, I got this in last night. The State of Nevada is trying to, uh, pass a referendum where, uh, state, and, uh, local government employees cannot have moustaches. ‘Has anyone seen this? Prop 5-5-1?’ – ‘They’re uh…’ – That is [bleep] I find that [bleep]. – ‘Take away our moustaches.’ – That ain’t fair. They will take my moustache from my cold, dead upper lip, my friend. I ain’t coming into work without a ‘stache. Junior, you was born with that moustache, wasn’t you? Hell, yeah. It’s my daddy’s moustache. Or he had a similar one. ‘I don’t want to work here without a moustache.’ ‘I really don’t.’ I…

  • Key & Peele – White-Sounding Black Guys
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    Key & Peele – White-Sounding Black Guys

    WELCOME TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY. I AM KEEGAN. – I AM JORDAN. – AND THIS IS KEY & PEELE. THANK YOU, YES. THANK YOU. [cheers and applause] JORDAN AND I ARE– WE’RE BIRACIAL. – YES, HALF BLACK, HALF WHITE. – AND BECAUSE OF THAT, WE FIND OURSELVES PARTICULARLY ADEPT AT LYING. BECAUSE ON A DAILY BASIS WE HAVE TO ADJUST OUR BLACKNESS. – YES. – YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? – OH, NO, THERE’S MANY REASONS WE DO THAT. – YEAH. – I MEAN, TO TERRIFY WHITE PEOPLE. – YES, THAT’S ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS. ONE OF THE MAIN REASONS, YEAH. – BECAUSE, I MEAN, YOU KNOW, WITH THE…