• “Peanut: Can you hear me now?” | Arguing with Myself  | JEFF DUNHAM
    Articles,  Blog

    “Peanut: Can you hear me now?” | Arguing with Myself | JEFF DUNHAM

    – You know what else pissed me off today? – What? – Tried using my cell phone. – Having trouble? – Just like the stinking commercials. Can you hear me now? How bout now? Now? Now? Now? Now? (Audience laughs) – You know when you don’t hear in those commercials? – What? – The other end of the conversation. (Audience laughs) (Peanut sputters) (Audience laughs) (Peanut makes static sound) (Audience laughs) – What the hell is this (bleep)? (Audience laughs) – You know what cell phones sex is? – Nope. – Can you feel me now? How bout now? (Audience laughs) (Peanut laughs) – Stop it. (Audience laughs) – This…

  • Drunk Flight Attendants Are the Best (feat. Wayne Brady) – Lights Out with David Spade
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    Drunk Flight Attendants Are the Best (feat. Wayne Brady) – Lights Out with David Spade

    You heard about this. -(woman laughs loudly) -A, uh, drunk flight attendant was arrested after she was seen stumbling all over the cabin. Then she passed out in her seat for the entire flight. The pilots were pissed off ’cause they couldn’t get their drinks. Um, Lauren, you’re drunk. What do you think? I– This stresses me out so much. First of all, I never see anything fun like this happen on my-my planes. I’m like, “This looks fun.” I’d rather have her like that than in my grill too much with a basket going, “Animal crackers?” I go, “No.” “Are you sure? “There’s that little renegade Slim Jim on…

  • The Daily Show – The Curious Case of Flight 370
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    The Daily Show – The Curious Case of Flight 370

    [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >>Jon: WELCOME TO “THE DAILY SHOW”. MY NAME IS JON STEWART. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WE’RE BACK. THANK YOU FOR JOINING US. OUR GUEST TONIGHT OH, SHE PUTS THE HUFF IN HUFFPO. ARIANNA HUFFINGTON WILL BE OUR GUEST TONIGHT. BUT FIRST, FOR WEEKS THE BIG STORY HAS BEEN THE MISSING MALAYSIA AIRLINES FLIGHT. TODAY SATELLITE DATA SEEMS TO HAVE CONFIRMED THE WORST. I THINK WE ALL FEARED THIS STORY WOULD END IN TRAGEDY, AND SO EARLY ON WE TURNED TO THE NEWS MEDIA FOR A SENSE OF SOBER CLARITY.>>AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS IN SOUTHEAST ASIA HAVE LOST CONTACT WITH A JUMBO JET CARRYING 239 PEOPLE. WE’RE OF COURSE DOING…

  • Fluffy Visits Saudi Arabia – Gabriel Iglesias (from Aloha Fluffy: Gabriel Iglesias Live from Hawaii)
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    Fluffy Visits Saudi Arabia – Gabriel Iglesias (from Aloha Fluffy: Gabriel Iglesias Live from Hawaii)

    Hey what’s up you guys this is Gabriel Iglesias Oh my God it’s Fluffy Hell yeah it is And I’m here hanging out in San Diego California getting ready for my Big show tonight. As you can see it’s really big Uh, it’s not really big… You know what I mean So anyways you guys This weekend is the encore presentation of my special Aloha Fluffy On Comedy Central Now… Comedy Central is only available in the US So for the rest of you worldwide I want to give you guys a nice big sneak peek Of the… Of the special that is gonna be eventually available on DVD Or…

  • Key & Peele – Magician Cop
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    Key & Peele – Magician Cop

    [indistinct radio chatter] [tapping on glass] – WAS I SPEEDING, OFFICER? – YOU DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU’RE FROM AROUND HERE. – NO, SIR. – YOU BEEN DOING ANY DRUGS TONIGHT? – NO, SIR. – NOPE? – NO. – WHY DON’T YOU POP THAT TRUNK, STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE FOR ME, PLEASE. – REALLY? – YEAH. [trunk pops] – [sighs] [seatbelt clicks] – NO DRUGS, HUH? – NOPE. [indistinct radio chatter] – WELL, WELL, WELL. [trunk closes] WHAT HAVE WE HERE? – NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU PLANTED THAT IN MY CAR. – OH, DID I? OR…DID I PLANT THIS? – UH–I REAL–I GUESS– – UP AGAINST…

  • Free Parking Ticket – How to Be Broke
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    Free Parking Ticket – How to Be Broke

    – Ahhh, what the fuck, Bam. I told you not to park here, this my mama car. – Hey don’t worry about it man, I’ma show you how to get a parking ticket paid for free. – You gon’ fix this. It’s on you. You gon’ fix this. – First, find a car that looks exactly like yours. Luckily for me, I’ve got a street team to scout for me. You, Echo Park. Santa Monica. Burbank. Koreatown. Break. – [Man In Camouflage Jacket] Bro, you know it’s one right there, right? How you gon’ get a street team and not even look behind you? – Shit. – [Man In Camouflage…

  • “Road Trip” – Gabriel Iglesias- (From Hot & Fluffy comedy special)
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    “Road Trip” – Gabriel Iglesias- (From Hot & Fluffy comedy special)

    Oh my God yeah! Anyways you guys before I go I have one more good story to tell you I took a… I took a road trip about a year ago after I got rid of the beetle in the SUV. Took a road trip from LA to Phoenix to go perform at this club Let me tell you who’s in the car. I’m driving I got my buddy Armando riding shotgun he’s another fluffy guy We call him sexy bitch I don’t call him that his wife calls him that, “He’s a sexy bitch” Anyway, the back seat I got my friend Martin Next to him is my friend…

  • Key & Peele – Mr. Nostrand’s Big Mistake
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    Key & Peele – Mr. Nostrand’s Big Mistake

    [bell rings] [students chattering] [chatter fades] – I… AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE… MR. NOSTRAND. BUT THAT MIGHT AS WELL SAY, “NO NONSENSE,” BECAUSE I DO NOT PLAY. NOW, TODAY WILL NOT BE A DAY OFF. IN FACT, TODAY, YOU WILL WORK HARDER THAN– [farts] [farts quietly] all: [laughing] – SEE YOU LATER, MR. POOTSTRAND! DID THAT DUDE REALLY JUST FART? – SOMEBODY CALL A CODE BROWN UP IN HERE.

  • Key & Peele – Al Qaeda Meeting
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    Key & Peele – Al Qaeda Meeting

    – BROTHERS. BROTHERS, LET US BEGIN. I HAVE CONVENED THIS MEETING TO FIND OUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING. WHY HAVE WE NOT TAKEN A PLANE IN 13 YEARS? – KHALIV. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. IT IS ALL BECAUSE THE CUNNING AND MIGHTY TSA IS ALWAYS ONE STEP AHEAD OF US. – I DO NOT BELIEVE IT! – IT’S TRUE. LAST MONTH, I ATTEMPTED TO TAKE DOWN A PLANE WITH A PAIR OF SCISSORS FIVE INCHES LONG. – THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PERFECT PLAN. WHY DID IT NOT WORK? – BECAUSE THE SHREWD TSA, THEY MADE RESTRICTIONS SO YOU CAN ONLY TAKE A FOUR-INCH SCISSORS. FOUR INCHES. – WHAT? – YEAH.…