Inside Amy Schumer – Time Travel
Articles,  Blog

Inside Amy Schumer – Time Travel

So then Jeff was like,
“What’s your excuse
for being late today?” And I was like, “I don’t have
an excuse, I have a reason.” Good for you. If your body oversleeps,
it’s because it needs it. Shh. Will you stop it? That’s what got us kicked out
of Guy Fieri’s restaurant. Don’t say I never offered. (giggling) Let’s move in together. It’s only been two weeks. When you know, you know. Yeah. You’re low-maintenance
and it just feels okay. It feels right to me, too. Plus, my roommate’s
all over me about rent. She’s your stepmom.
Why is she even charging you? I don’t know. Mmm. I’m gonna hit the head. Check out this update,
twatters. “Moving in…” Don’t type a thing. Amy, it’s me,
you. I time-traveled from
six years in the future. How does that work? I don’t know. How does electricity work?
You just pay for it. Now listen. Five-years-in-the-future you
is gonna back and talk to you. Wait, I thought you were
from the future. I’m six-years-in-the-future
you. Five-years-in-the-future you
has bangs. Now, she’s gonna come
and she’s gonna tell you– If I should get bangs
or not. No, shut the fuck up. She’s gonna tell you
not to move in with Travis. Why not? Because
he cheats on you, he gives you gonorrhea
and bedbugs. It’s a nightmare. Oh, God, I’ve never had
bedbugs before. I won’t move in
with him. Oh, no, no, no, no. You have to move in
with him, okay? It turns out that by being
warned to break up with Travis, the things in the future
get really screwed up and California
is now in the ocean. You have to move in
with him. Yeah, but bedbugs. The lives of millions
depend on you. God, get off my back! Huh-uh, don’t chub out
on me now, roomie. I just lost about
ten LBs in the b-room. Oh. I can’t wait to move in
with you. Me too. How about a, uh,
a celebration beej? Travis, I think, um– (mouthing) Um, will you excuse me
one second? I have to go
to the bathroom. Gross. I don’t want to hear
about that shit. What’s going on? You gotta go give him
that blowj. What? Why? If you don’t mouth-hug
his yogurt gun, it turns out things
get even worse and Ebola knocks out
all of France. How could that possibly
be connected? I don’t know, it just is. Your relationship is
somehow the butterfly wings that destroys the course
of future events. Go get under that table! No! Ahh! You don’t need
to do that. Oh, thank God,
I hate giving blowjobs. You do have to kill Travis,
though. What the fuck? I’m not gonna bother
explaining, because we’re both stupid,
but here, take this. You have to kill Travis. Like this? No, just hold it
like a person. Hold it like
a human person. (sighs)
Now? Go! (whispers)
God, this fucking idiot. I can’t kill someone who’s
willing to sleep with me. She’s gonna get
kinda fat. You gotta
break up with her. What? Oh, shit! Oh, shit! I’m not gonna get fat,
you’re gonna get fat. Amy!
Don’t freak out. I’m from the future. You have to break up
with Travis. He totally
breaks our heart. Oh, my God, I look
so great with bangs! I know, right?
Ahh! (squealing)


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *