“Attention All Passengers” – Trevor Noah – (Crazy Normal) LONGER RE-RELEASE
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“Attention All Passengers” – Trevor Noah – (Crazy Normal) LONGER RE-RELEASE


But the pilots, the pilots are calm, they’re
cool you know, you get into the air. they start making useless announcements
that you don’t even care about, just to give you that feeling
that he knows what he’s doing you get up there as the seat belt lights go
*sound of seat belt light* “Ladies and gentlemen as you may have noticed
we have reached our cruising altitude” “currently sitting at 23 000 feet above sea level.” “Cruising at about 720km an
hour in this Boeing 737” “one of the favourite planes in the star _______________
_______________________” “beautiful sunny day up here, we might
encounter a few bumps but nothing to hectic” “the cabin crew will be taking care of you.” “In the front we’ve got Esmeralda and Jonathan
and in the rear Simon and Tsitseng and Verera.” “I’ll will be taking care of you and if you
need anything, don’t hesitate to call.” “I’ll let you know once we’ve begun
our descent,” “until then please enjoy your flight, thank you.” *sound of intercom switching off*
and you are like, “Oh yeah, pilot
yeah!” “my guy, my guy!
Pilot!” It’s cool, it’s cool. I just don’t like the fact that they never
let you know when something’s gone wrong. It freaks me out because they are trained
to keep you calm no matter what’s going on. and I noticed this because we hit turbulence, coming into Johannesburg, there where hectic storms. and the plane started shaking, and you
know it wasn’t like calm turbulence You know, its that turbulence where people’s
knuckles get white when they are holding they’re you know, because you know people try and act natural in the plane They will be like *Humming* and then they get to a
point where they like *experiencing turbulance* and that point comes where like
everyone in the plane is panicking everyone except the
air hostesses, they are amazing I love how they do it, you know. like you will hit the turbulence, you will be like
*sound of turbulance* Things are falling, the bags are
hitting the sides of the compartments. *sound of turbulance* People are panicking except for the
hostesses, they just move through naturally. It’s freaky, its almost like the lower
half is not connected to the upper body because they will just carry on,
they will be like “yes, yes
you guys” “would you guys like some coffee?
Yeah, okay” “there you go,
be careful its hot” “thank you,
alright then.” “anything for you sir, huh?” “Yeah, okay” “okay then, just pass me an apple juice” “alright, thank you very much” “there you go, would you like some ice?
No ice, thank you.” I don’t know how they do it. and then the pilot has the nerve to come on
in the middle of the biggest storm ever. the plane is shaking, the wings
are tilting slightly upwards. You think you are going to die, it’s like
*sound of turbulance* People are screaming, it’s like
*sound of turbulance* *intercom switching on*
*Sound of turebulace* “Ladies and gentlemen, we have
encountered some slight turbulence. “we ask that everyone return to their seats at this point” “and refrain from using the lavatory’s” “Please note we will be flying at a higher
altitude to alleviate the problem.” “also keep your seat belts fastened” “and no hot drinks will be served
at this time for your safety.” Thank you very much and I will speak to you in a moment “once we have gotten out of this bumpy patch.” Speak to you in a moment. That moment might never come. He doesn’t tell you this. When the nation wide flight lost
an engine the pilot said nothing. It just fell.
*sound of falling* Quiet. I don’t want a pilot like that, I
want someone who lets me know. I want to know before I’m
going to die, I want to know I want to say a prayer or two, I
want to prepare my self you know. I want to forgive everyone
I hate in the world. Give me a chance,
give me a chance. But the don’t, pilots.
They don’t. Other people who die in plane
crashes don’t even know they’ve died. Must be the worst feeling in the world. There’s like a whole bunch of confused
people popping into heaven like *popping sound* “I swear these airports
change all the time” “I never know where to
go, I never” I’m like, are we
are we in heaven?” “Oh wow, I cant believe
we made it huh? “Guys, I cant believe;
wow, this is amazing.” And there is Saint Peter
at the gates and he’s like “Come forward please,
come forward.” “Come forward.”
She’s like, “Who are you?”
“I am Saint Peter, Saint Peter.” “Uh, but you” “Yeah, I know. Many people
are shocked, just come.” “I get that all the time, just come.” “Just come, just come.” “I just thought that.” “No, don’t worry. Just come please, just
wait till you see Jesus. Come, come. I don’t want that, I want someone to
let me know when I am going to die. Like taxi drivers, there is no person who died in a
taxi not knowing that they’ve died. Just before the crash the
taxi driver will be like, Yo!
*sound of taxi crashing* People walking into heaven like, “Yo, dead, dead, dead!” Dead, yeah for sure, we’re dead!” “Gone, gone, gone, yeah!” They know. Sometimes they survive the crash
but they still think they are dead Walking on the pavement.
“Dead, dead, dead, dead!” “Yo, dead!” Oh. But luckily we did land
safely in Johannesburg. We landed safely and everyone
clapped when the plane landed Yay! Clapped and walked into
the airport terminal building. and that’s the point when you realize
you are back in South Africa. When you fly international. and then when you land
at any of our airports and if you listen carefully you
realize that you are back Like South Africa once again, the
world went there and we where like “No, no,we are going. We
going just that side.” Because all over the world they conform to a norm and that is in airports women make announcements. It’s always a woman, always. and shes always calm Always monotone. Always comes over that system, she sits in
a room quietly. They bring her the pages one by one. You can be in Heathrow for instance you’ll
hear that woman come on the system. *PA system sound effect* “Attention all passengers. Please note this is an airport announcement. No passengers are permitted to leave any items unattended as this may be seen as a security risk. Any unattended luggage will be removed by
security and destroyed. Thank you.” *PA system turns off* Everywhere in the world, even if you go to
like non English speaking countries, they still conform to that norm. You know you go to places like China where
you wouldn’t expect it, you know? You think and I see some of you probably thinking
there be like, *Stereotypical Chinese jibberish* No, don’t even laugh, that’s racist. Don’t even laugh. Don’t, hey! Don’t, no. That’s racist. You don’t even laugh. But they’re not. They’re calm. It’s a woman, still the same. She’s just another language she’ll come on
the PA like, *PA system turns on* “*Calm Chinese jibberish*” *PA system turns off* And you know, you know they’ve conformed. And then you land in South Africa. And you know you’ve landed,
you know that your back home when you walk into the
airport terminal building. You walk in and I don’t even know if
they audition the people who do it. No, no, no. It’s almost like who ever is closest to
the mic gets to do it first, you know? No, you go do it It’s the craziest thing! Luckily 99 percent of
the time it’s a woman but she’ll come on its the craziest thing
ever as your walking she’ll come and be like *PA system turns on* “ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS! ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS! HELLO! HELLO! I’m talking to you! Hello! All the people that is flying
Kalula.com, the plane is delayed They plane you should go on
to was two, now it’s three. Yes, all the people must just take a ticket for
that plane and we won’t have a problem, okay. Just to confirm if your ticket says
two it’s going to be three, okay Just mustn’t complain when the plane
has left, I am telling you now And you must just phone
the people to pick you up You must tell them: my plane has changed And then they start speaking to people the
background and they don’t even turn off their mic! “__________.” _________________ _________________ ___________________ __________________ ___________________ ______________ “Okay.” “Okay all the people
that is flying one time the gate has changed.” “It’s not the D2 it’s C15.” “It’s not the D2 it’s Z15.” If you can go to D2, you can find nothing. “Okay, bye bye.” “______________.”

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